I'm so smart, too bad I can't get anything figured out

[tithonium]

It should be noted that I started composing this Saturday 30 Oct, and finished Thursday 4 Nov. In the middle of that, this post became completely false. But I'm back now.

It's an odd feeling, this. Enough so that I grow concerned at the shift it indicates in my mental and emotioal states. I notice it most often during the contemplative moments of highway driving.

Calm. Contentment. A level of each I have not experienced in ages. There is a distinct lack of anxiety or angst in me right now. I'm not getting mad at lots of things I would have in the past (traffic, for example). I'm finding I'm happy about little things.

On our way back from portland, we stopped at Long John Silver's. Those who've known me for a while know the fondness in which I hold LJS. I grew up on fast food, and for the longest time, LJS was the closest thing to fish I'd eat. (I /have/ since discovered some places' fish&chips are acceptalbe substitutes) The lack of LJS in the northwest has been my single biggest cause for homesickness since I moved up here half a decade ago. So, suddenly, there's one /closer/ than Redding! I got rather a lot of fish and chicken, ate a third of it, and took the rest home. And I was /happy/. I know I was, because it's a sufficiently odd sensation that I can easily detect it. A suffusion of contentment and joy. Rather a silly cause to experience it, but I do so enjoy their 'food'.

And while I'm being happier about things more often, I'm being upset about things less. The obvious examples are my own psychological hangups regarding social interactions, women, etc etc. As I compose this, I'm sitting at the Grind, and have just listened to an ambassador talking to a new member about how he shouldn't just sit there, should wander around, meet people, talk to people, etc. In short, don't be like me. Nobody's given /me/ that lecture for a while, fortunately. Me, I sit here, enjoy the music, and people watch. [Which is not to say that it's not rewarding. Human interaction in this space is truely facinating to watch at times. Even leaving out anything related to sex, a sociologist could still earn a couple of PhDs from a week's observations, I suspect.] Or, take Ivo's halloween party, where I spent nearly all of my time looking for a place to sit down, and wondering what the odds were someone would come to me with a cloven fruit (calculated: pretty close to zero. reality: zero). To bring us back to the topic, these things tend to cause me some amount of angst.. My lack of social drive, a perceived - at least by me - anti-approachability, not to mention a (frequently disturbingly) desperate greediness. But of late, I seem to have come to grips with them, accepted them as inevitable and unavoidable parts of my mental anatomy.

So, where does this leave us? Like the title says. I haven't got it figured out. Have I suddenly matured, god forbid? Has apathy finally take unequivocal hold over my emotional landscape? Has that tiny interior deadness become not so tiny?

I dunno.

---

addendum: yeah, several cute women here, and I'm not irritated with myself at all for not having the guts to say hi. That's what I usually would come away from this berating myself with. Go fig.

Maybe it's just a full dance card, heh.

Comments

[tithonium.livejournal.com]

In case anybody's wondering, the "tiny interior deadness" is a reference to the following from Mostly Harmless:

She had what it took: great hair, a profound understand-
ing of strategic lip gloss, the intelligence to understand the world
and a tiny secret interior deadness which meant she didn't care.
Everybody has their moment of great opportunity in life. If you
happen to miss the one you care about, then everything else in
life becomes eerily easy.

[stillraven.livejournal.com]

Funny that I like you so much. I didn't find you unapproachable at all back at your birthday party, but maybe the presents and drinks and all opened you up.

One thing that's very important is that you are looking at yourself and taking stock of what you see, honestly. Keep it up; it's the only way to become who you want to be.

:)

[tithonium.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm very different at my own parties. My obligations as host, if nothing else, require it. Plus I'm generally more comfortable.. on home ground, know nearly everybody, etc.

[hotpoint.livejournal.com]

I think it's a sign of maturity, the good kind -- that you're realizing, emotionally, that certain things aren't worth getting worked up about, because your energy's better saved for other aspects of life, and that joy's just plain more fun than rage or angst. I'd welcome it.

[tithonium.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I was afraid of that.