It occured to me in the car...

So, for those who haven't noticed, I'm a bit of a manic-depressive. Self diagnosed, have been since late high school. Never bothered with a formal diagnosis, 'cause what's the point? I don't want it treated, and I don't need someone with a less-intimate view of my brain than I to tell me what's going on inside my head. Back in high school, I used to have a pretty short cycle - sometimes bouncing back and forth a couple times in an hour - with some pretty high amplitude.. It has calmed down a lot since then, cycling on the order of weeks, with the highs being much lower than they once were. The lows can still get somewhat deep, but again not as bad as they did before.

I've barely been cycling the past couple years. I was in a bit of a slump these past few weeks, but it's hard to say if that was just work or not.

Then I decided to leave the group. Then I told my boss. I've been bouncing a lot more this past week than in a long time, with some serious highs. I'm gonna call this a good thing.

(no subject)

The date on that last post is when I started to compose it. In the interim, Michael came by for a prelim chat about my leaving, then I went to lunch.

We talked about my not feeling valued, tho I can't define specifics - my homework for our mtg tomorrow is to come up with a list of why. We talked about my rating, and how it's very hard to get a 40 after a promotion, and the impact of my leaving for vacation with things undocumented - which I countered with a) having already pushed it out two months, b) having gotten an ok before buying my tickets, c) having offered to push it out again if the company paid for new tickets, d) having left VERY SPECIFIC instructions that if ANYBODY had ANY questions about the stuff that wasn't documented, to CALL ME. He suggested that one should push back and say we have to delay a project so I can document it - in a general case, sure.. but - i replied - I doubt that would have worked with the wishlist project, it having some rather hard deadlines that we couldn't push out. I told michael about the appearance of upward focus, he explained his side of that /somewhat/.

He says it's very important to him - I /think/ he used the word 'critical', but I'm not sure - that I not leave the department. BUT it's also important to him that I be happy. So, my other homework is to figure out what makes me happy, so they can address it. Other than, as he put it, "front row tickets to ". As an aside, I'm much harder to bribe than that. Tho an Audi TT Roadster /WOULD/ solve all problems. For a while, at least.

He's apparently working on a compensation change, but has to approach it subtly and it'll likely take a couple months. I doubt I'd be willing to wait that long without a promise.

(no subject)

Just had a chat with a friend of mine, talked about the general leaving-the-group thing and my mtg with michael. He's so very /reasonable/, it's hard to stick to my guns when I'm meeting with him. I want to cave in. This is not, apparently, unusual, nor particularly genuine. So, my resolve is stiffened. I shall not believe his pretty words, I shall tell him what sucks and why I must go and what it would take to change my mind.

I just gotta figure out what those things are. Especially the last one. What /is/ it worth to me to stay in this group? I /love/ the people I work with, I like a lot of the features, I like being depended upon and looked up to; but I don't want to have anything to do with some of the other features, I don't honestly believe that they'll grant me the freedom to pick and choose what I work on, I don't believe the problems I have with management will go away. What can they do - what would they be /willing/ to do - to make it worth staying? More money? A private office? A limo complete with driver, bar, and hooker?



It'd have to be a damned-well-stocked bar...

He just won't stop posting!!!

And now I just had a chat with Werner. We discussed some of my problems, and I was a little more open about my issues with prioritization of problems and how long it takes people to come around and what not. And we discussed the things I think we should do and when and how and ... honestly, I think we ended up back where we started... He agrees with my priorities and what we should do... But, damnit, it took HOW LONG to get here? How many MONTHS have we been saying this is what we should do?.. After going over the things we need to do, and me agreeing that it was the right plan, he says, "So you'll stay, right?" "No." "Fuck.".. heh. Have I mentioned that I respect people who'll swear at work more than those that won't?