I am not a guru on this subject.

[tithonium]

So, I've got a friend who's having a bit of a... crisis may or may not be too strong a word, I don't know... with her relationship. I'm going to be vague with the details as I sketch out the problem...

She's been with her boy for many years, they're both monogamy-leaning, want to be together... but he's got feelings for another woman too, and is very confused by this. So, she doesn't really know how to deal with this, he doesn't really know how to deal with this. She came to me, 'cause she knows I'm poly, and basically just wanted to hear that it /can/ work. I gave what little advice I could, and said I was happy to talk or help out in any way I could. I don't know how much help I was.

So, I come to you, reader. Any sage advice I should pass on to my friend as she tries to figure out What To Do?

Comments

[runnerwolf.livejournal.com]

Are they completely honest with each other about their feelings? Towards each other, as well as other people. That's the only way I have seen it work for any period of time, and several times that has been the downfall of the ones I have seen.

[vixyish.livejournal.com]

Ditto the first comment. Talk. Talk talk talk. Communicate communicate communicate. Talk about *everything*. How you feel about everything, what could potentially happen, what to do if it did happen. Explain how you feel. Explain that the new feelings don't diminish the old, if that's the case, as it was for me.

Also... if you decide to try being polyamorous, talking about what you will do if it doesn't work. Whether you're willing to stop the experiment and go back to monogamy, or what. Talking about what's important to you. Talk about what you expect to happen, how you expect to handle different situations, what you think you'll be comfortable with. Talk about how important the person you're currently involved with is.

While you're in it, talk about what is making you happy and what is making you unhappy. Talk about what makes you uncomfortable. Negotiate. Compromise. Talk about what hurts and what makes you happy.

Talk about everything.

(By 'you' I mean the general you, not you Marty, of course.)

[tylik.livejournal.com]

Might be useful to look at reading The Ethical Slut, or other such things. (I still haven't read "love without limits" -- though I've heard good things about it. Then again, I'm boundary girl, so I tend to think the name is false advertising for anything I want to be in.)

[eeyorerin]

Me, every time I've given advice to someone about relationships, I've regretted it. Sometimes people have even blamed me for When Things Go Wrong, or I've gotten sucked into taking sides when things got overly dramatic.

If I were you, I'd stay the hell out of it.

[xmurf.livejournal.com]

Seconded.

[pauldf.livejournal.com]

This sounds like a pretty dangerous position to me. Several times, I've heard anecdotally that poly relationships tend to not work out well if a couple decided to try poly because one of them is interested in someone else and that it's much better to decide to be poly and to at least come up with a first-cut set of ground rules before either person is interested in someone else. I'd probably point this out to her and that poly relationships take a lot more work than mono ones.

OTOH, I see it as a good sign that he's able to express his confusion to her.